F**k Hope
One of my best friend’s mantra is “fuck hope”. If this seems grossly cynical to you please read on. She volunteers weekly with Gilda’s Club teaching improvisation class (improv), creates and edits promotional material and hosts their yearly fundraiser. Gilda’s Club is for those who are living with cancer, in remission, or for their friends and family in need of support. She lost her mother to cancer then had cancer 3 times herself and has had more surgeries than she can comfortably, emotionally keep track of. One time, half of her nose was removed. My BFF is barely pushing 40. Because of life and still being active in the cancer community she’s so familiar with the checklist of what needs to happen after someone dies that should I ever need to be the responsible one in the situation of losing a loved one I know I can consult her or most likely, without me needing to ask, she’ll be right next to me, wherever I am, helping me out.
She’s kind of a comedian. To deal with chemo she’d throw dance parties while waiting for treatment to begin and post it on Instagram. They looked like so much fun, friends started asking her if they could bring her to chemo. She brought humor with her in every interaction with her nurses to lift up their spirits because she understands they deal with death all the time. She was telling me a story of how one of her improv students had died from their cancer and some of the other students didn’t feel up to doing improv class. Everyone showed up anyway because that’s what one does in improv and instead of mourning their friend’s death they celebrated the person's life. They laughed the hardest they’d ever laughed and as joyously as they could. She recognizes the improv class she volunteers to teach gives people dealing with cancer, in remission, or their loved ones a respite; a chance to find the funny in all the trauma and a little bit of joy.
She’s an actress. You’ve seen her in tv, film and commercials. Her acting and her presence on screen have just gotten better with time because she keeps working at it. When I first met her she was an actress, unconsciously, for the attention. Now she does it because she enjoys the craft: the understanding of character, story and being present to the scene. It shows. Thus far, a couple of her biggest jobs have been since half her nose was removed (and reconstructed).
When she first adopted the mantra I think her husband was a little worried about her. They’ve been together 22 years and she’d never sounded so “negative” before. Over time he began to understand what she was really trying to say. In the midst of living with cancer multiple times she figured out somewhere along the way she could sit around and wait to die, waiting for some kind of life to happen to her in the interim. Or she could live in a way where she understands every choice and every action she makes matters while she has life to live. She doesn’t hope to improve as an actress by living in a bubble. She is part of ToastMasters so she’s writing and practicing public speaking regularly. She doesn’t just hope for acting gigs as she continually hones the filming (pandemic life) and performance of her auditions. My friend doesn’t sit around hoping to not die from cancer. She’s actively working through her emotional baggage in a constructive way. She loves her husband madly. She loves to garden, see her friends and talk on the phone (with me, for never enough hours).
From my BFF, “Hope is leaping and waiting for a net that may never appear. Once I stopped relying on Hope to save me I learned to pack my own parachute. Fuck Hope.”